Conversations that don't make sense

DL: morning stranger!
CK: i'm ignoring you! [-(
DL: you're not making sense
CK: :-P

Saying "I'm ignoring you" is such a self-contradiction... Kinda like saying out loud "I am mute". :)

Someone else's pain

I read this on craiglist today. It cut deep deep into my heart, and I'm not ashamed that I shed a quiet tear at work for this guy who is hurting somewhere in the world. Good luck bro!

I miss you, I love you

I miss you so much. I’ve been in a tailspin with out you. This week end marked the third year since you were taken away from this world, and even though you are always on my mind this is the first time I’ve allowed my self to say these things since your funeral.

We have been through so much together. We should have been the great American success story. I guess it wasn’t meant to be. Life decided to shit on us.

I want to let you know that I will always remember our times together.
They were the defining moments of my life.

I will always remember the time when we first moved out together, We were just right out of college. It was Wed. and we didn’t get paid until Fri. It had been two days since we had eaten anything real. We were starving and the only things we had in the entire house was mayo and cooking oil. That’s when a light bulb flashed in my head “mayo is made with eggs, I can fry it”. I remember they look like little pancakes and when we cut them oil would pour out. They were so gross but we were so hungry we ate them any way.

I remember us holding each other after that, crying about how low our lives had gotten.
I remember us looking in each others eyes and promising to each other that we would never let that happen to us again, we would do everything humanly possible to live our dreams.

We focused all our energy in to our promise. I remember us selling my car and all our
unneeded belongings for capital to get our business started.

I will never forget the next four years that followed. All the victories and defeats we suffered, all the sacrifices we made. I love that no matter what, win or lose, you always told me and showed me how proud of me you were and how much you loved me. Thank you.

I remember when the business was finally strong. We took $20,000 in 5 dollar bills all crumpled up in a duffel bag and went shopping. I remember the dress you bought, You looked so beautiful in it.

On the “date night” that you wore the dress, do you remember when we were walking down the street holding hands? As a joke I tried to walk you into a pole but when I let go of your hand, you didn’t let go of mine. You ran smack dab into it and fell down with your skirt all ridding up. I thought I was dead, like you were actually going to kill me. Instead you were laughing out of control, you called me an ass, threw your shoe at me, and then proceeded to get up and bow for all the on lookers.

That’s exactly why I loved you so much. Because you were so confident, you never took stuff too seriously, but you were always strong when you needed to be.

There is so many memories, and so many milestones. When we bought our first house together, all of our vacations together, When we bought your car and paid for it in quarter rolls because the sales man was being such a dick. There was so many great, fun, and random things we did together.

I remember blind folding you and driving you back to the house were we made the “promise”. I proposed to you on the front lawn. I thought it was fitting to do it at the place where it all began. We stood there holding each other on some strangers lawn for twenty minutes, I really thought they were going to spray us with the garden hose.

Ive been a shell of my self the last three years. I don’t have the slightest idea on how to move on with my life. Its not fair, we both turn 29 this year, we were supposed to have
more time. This was supposed to happen when we are old and gray. Its not fair that there are couples out there that don’t even want to be together and they take their time for granted. I loved you every day and I dedicated everything I am to living an incredible life with you. It is not fucking fair.

I miss you. Everything I am, every thing I have, the world as I see it, has the memory of you in it. I cant believe that life has decided to “punish” me, for loving someone so much that I actually did what I said I was going to do, by making me live our dreams with out you. I guess it really is true that you cant have everything, because for a little while there, We truly had everything we needed and wanted.

The business is now stronger than what we thought was even possible.
One of our friends got married.
Two of our best friends just had a baby.
Life keeps moving on.

7 day brew

Anthony, barista dude at Seattle's Best Coffee at the Santana Row Borders, bet me a free drink if I could down a shot of "7 day brew". It's coffee that has been brewing for 7 days. Super potent, super concentrated. I've never been affected by caffeine, so I said what the heck and downed it. Didn't feel a thing. Free drink. Cool. :)

RIP

My darling laptop is dead... Gotta send it for repairs. Battery won't charge. Plug in the power cable and the whole laptop dies immediately. Won't even power up when the power cable is plugged in. And yes, I've tried switching the power cable. Sigh... I wonder if it's cheaper to just buy a new laptop!

Reinitiating contact

After 11 years or so, I hunted down Janey on friendster and sent her a friendship request. Wow. 11 years. She's cool. I was really nervous about talking to her, but now it's all good. Happy. She's nuts. :)

I need

Well, not really... More like I want...
... perfect eyesight
... 2 weeks extra vacation to visit Ye Lin, whom I haven't seen for a long time
... and another extra 4 weeks to go do stuff by myself
... the ability to survive on 2 to 4 hours of sleep a day
... to lose 20 pounds
... a sleek convertible, maybe a CLK 55 Cabriolet? drool
... a new computer, fast CPU, bigass hard disk, mucho RAM, greased lightning vid, 5.1 sound, yeah that would be pretty sweet

[edit 27 Jul] Lasik... I've been thinking of Lasik more and more recently. Glasses and contacts are beginning to be a major pain. Glasses suck, and contacts dry up. One more thing on my wish list...

Being a father figure

I'm hosting two korean students for 2 weeks at my place. They're attending San Jose State U as exchange students, and my job is to take care of them for the 2 weeks they are here.

It's a big shift in mentality. Suddenly, I have to wake up early to prepare breakfast for them, make sure they have food packed for lunch (why the heck can't they BUY their lunch like real students??), drive them to school, pick them up after school, fix dinner for them, etc. They're nice guys, kinda shy, kinda quiet. I was hoping for someone more active, more outgoing. Oh well, gotta play with whatever cards you're dealt right?

Why am I doing this? Cos a long time ago, Jenny did the same for me... Thanks Jen!

Wicked

I just got 2 tickets for Wicked, Friday Sep 2nd 8pm show. I can't believe that all the tix for the Saturday shows are already sold out. Black market tix for Sat shows are going for $150 and up, compared to the $85 for the most expensive non-black market tickets.

Who am I going with? Not a clue. I'll find someone. Maybe... you?

Vanity, not love

I read this a long long time ago as a child (wtf am I doing reading crap like this at a young age anyway?!) and I think it has had a very long lasting influence on me cos at the age of 32, I still remember the final line ""No love but vanity, sets love a task like that".

---

King Francis was a hearty king, and loved a royal sport,
And one day as his lions fought, sat looking on the court;
The nobles filled the benches, and the ladies in their pride,
And 'mongst them sat the Count de Lorge, with one for whom he sighed:
And truly 'twas a gallant thing to see that crowning show,
Valour and love, and a king above, and the royal beasts below.

Ramped and roared the lions, with horrid laughing jaws;
They bit, they glared, gave blows like beams, a wind went with their paws;
With wallowing might and stifled roar they rolled on one another;
Till all the pit with sand and mane was in a thunderous smother;
The bloody foam above the bars came whisking through the air;
Said Francis then, "Faith, gentlemen, we're better here than there."

De Lorge's love o'erheard the King, a beauteous lively dame
With smiling lips and sharp bright eyes, which always seemed the same;
She thought, the Count my lover is brave as brave can be;
He surely would do wondrous things to show his love of me;
King, ladies, lovers, all look on; the occasion is divine;
I'll drop my glove, to prove his love; great glory will be mine.

She dropped her glove, to prove his love, then looked at him and smiled;
He bowed, and in a moment leaped among the lions wild:
The leap was quick, return was quick, he has regained his place,
Then threw the glove, but not with love, right in the lady's face.
"By God!" said Francis, "rightly done!" and he rose from where he sat:
"No love," quoth he, "but vanity, sets love a task like that."

-- James Leigh Hunt, "The Glove And The Lions"

Anime review - Trinity Blood

The premise sounds good - Church vs Vampires vs Order of the Rose Cross (secret society thingy). Throw in a couple of pretty damn cool characters - Nightroad is a uber-vampire who preys on other vampires with his huge blood red scythe, and Gunslinger is a human looking robot who wields a kickass pair of (guess what) handguns as his main weapon. Sounds good right? Shades of Hellsing even!

I'm totally psyched to watch it!

A few hours later... Nope, it totally fails to deliver the goods. The pace is too slow and the characters seem to lack any sort of attachment to each other. In Hellsing, there were obvious bonds of some kind (the unexplored kind actually) between Alucard and Walter or Sara. Not really present in Trinity Blood. Sure, the two main characters are super cool and have some awesome art, but the rest of the anime just fails to support their coolness factor.

Pity... I was really hoping for some kind of Hellsing. I'll keep searching...

An unrooted past

Hey, I just had to try to put down in words what I felt after talking to you earlier.

To all appearances, you have the world - looks, brains, career, friends etc. Yet, I felt so sad after you asked me to read that stuff behind your photo.

I find it sad that you don't know who wrote those words about you. You think it might be your dad, but (I think) you're afraid to hope.

I find it sad that you don't know who your father is, that he is just this "concept" and not someone you can link to a face, a voice, a touch.

I find it sad that you hate (hated?) your mum, and now all you have to anchor you to your past is a photo album.

I've never heard you speak well of your parents, and I find it sad that this poison is still coursing through you even now.

I always make fun of you that you're mean, grouchy, cranky, bitchy, whatever, but I think inside you're a good person who has developed this thorny exterior to shield the little girl within. I think the only time you're really you is when you're with your "kids", and I wish you could open up more to the world.

Sure I don't know the whole story, but hey, this is my damn blog, so I'll say whatever I want here.

[June 22] After reading and re-reading this entry, something doesn't sound quite right. Something is missing, but I can't place my finger on it.

Cool word of the day

Cool made-up word of the day - automonotheism
auto - self
monotheism - the belief that there is only one God
Put it all together, and you have the belief that you are THE supreme divine power (aka I RULE!)

Dead, all dead!

I'm back in my home after the fumigation. To keep it real short, it's a total disaster. The backyard looks like someone dropped a nuclear bomb. All the plants that were planted in the ground are DEAD. Withered. It looks as if the Vikane gas just burnt the plants. It's... depressing. I'd post pictures just so you know what it looks like, but honestly, it's too depressing to post. I'm very bummed out (super understatement of the year)

Flip side of the same coin

The other side of the Terri Schaivo coin...
Some people fight to keep their loved ones alive, others fight to keep their loved ones from living. Life and death. Complex issue, really.

Homeless

My place is getting fumigated right now as I type. It's all tented up and being pumped with toxic gases to take care of a drywood termite problem the apartment complex has been having.

Better now than later, except that this has left me effectively homeless. Sure, I'm staying over at Bruce's place, but I feel lost without a base of operations to work from. Somewhere where I can just grab a 30 minute nap before heading out. Somewhere I can walk around in my undies.

Well, this ordeal will be over by Saturday morning...

No more leaks!

JP helped me fix my leaky sprinkler system today. We cut up a length of 3/4" piping, installed new sprinkler controls, and pretty much totally replaced the old sprinkler system. And it works great! I feel a sense of pride and achievement in completing this mini project since I've never been much of a handyman. Thanks JP for helping me out!!

Christian is Batman

... and he's arguably the best Batman of them all!

Paul and I caught the opening show for Batman Begins last night. Absolutely great! Let's look at it in a little more detail.

POTENTIAL SPOILER ALERT!!

I've tried to keep concerete details to a minimum, but bits and pieces of info will definitely be leaked. You've been warned.

Batman - main good guy

Christian Bale is an awesome Batman. As Bruce Wayne, he's got that vacuous party boy look. The hotel swimming scene is fabulous. As Batman, he's got the intense stare you'd associate with the Dark Knight and his voice is just downright scary. You can feel the anger in his voice lash out at you all the way from the screen. The "dangling bad guy" scene rocks.

Ducard - mysterious mentor

In the comics, Henri Ducard is Batman's mentor in the deductive arts. In this movie, he's some sword-wielding ninja-leading badass dude. Liam Neeson is an excellent Ducard - mysterious and a little aloof.

Scarecrow - main bad guy

Johnathon Crane, the scarecrow from the comics, was a tall emanciated figure. The Scarecrow in the movie is, well, too short. Minor differences aside, the movie Scarecrow was sufficiently nerdy to be believable and Cillian Murphy comes across as just subtly psychotic. Beautifully done.

Ra's al Ghul - main bad guy

Just absolutely totally diverts from the comics. As far as I know, Ra's has NEVER mentored Batman in anything. Yet in the movie, Ra's trains Batman in martial arts in his secret ninja lair. And who is Ra's al Ghul without a Talia standing by his side??? Oh well.

Anyway, divergence between the movie and the comics aside, this was a pretty damn good movie. Definitely worth me sacrificing my beauty sleep to catch the midnight showing (on a school night, no less!).

Weird code

Run it and see for yourself:

#!/usr/bin/perl
@a = (Lbzjoftt,Inqbujfodf,Hvcsjt);
$b = "Lbssz Wbmm";
$b =~ y/b-z/a-z/ ; 
$c = " Tif " . @a . " hsfbu wj" . "suvft pg b qsphsbnnfs" . ":\n";
$c =~ y/b-y/a-z/;
print "\n\n$c ";
for($i=0;$i<@a; $i++) {
    $a[$i] =~ y/b-y/a-z/;
    if($a[$i]eq$a[-1]) {
        print"and $a[$i].";
    } else {
        print"$a[$i], ";
    }
}
print "\n\t\t--$b\n\n";

Thanks Pat, you're totally whacked upside the head!

What people want

Epiphany time - people do what they want, not what they should.

Case in point:
I have this person I know. He only messages or calls me when he needs something or a favor from me. So one day, I just decided, enough is enough. No more of that shit. I'll help him out ON MY TERMS. So one day, he called to ask for a few favors. I did one for him, then told him that he owes me, and until he pays up what he owes me, I'm not gonna help him.

Result? Now, remember, this is a guy who usually just calls me when he needs stuff. I don't recall any occasions where he's called me just to chat, not at least within the last few months. Sure, he still calls me his friend. Whatever. Anyway, thing is, he's been calling me to ask me when I'm free and shit. How odd. :)

OK, so I'm a psychotic manipulative bitch. I love being me. Maybe after he buys me a new car, I'll help him out...

Happy birthday!

Happy hatchday Ah Ma!

Can't call to wish you happy birthday. My long distance service doesn't reach quite that far. Hope you're doing well. You are definitely missed...

added on June 16:
Oh, and in case you didn't know, Uncle Warren also sends you his birthday wish too.

Ebay, round 3

I just went to ebay to talk to Joe. He said will pull me in once Pat makes a decision on whether to stay at ebay (unlikely) or move to paypal (probably). Everything went smoothly today, except for the part where the HR girl was telling me that most senior engineers come in to ebay around the XXX range (insert lower salary range). I wasn't really happy with that cos I thought Joe had already talked to HR about my salary requirements and they had already agreed, so I was thinking, WTF? Are you trying to re-negotiate with me now or what? I didn't really know what to say, so I went uh huh. Yeah, Mr Eloquent, that's me...

Possible smartass answers running through my head:
- Yes, but I'm not merely a senior engineer
- What? That's all? I'm earning more right now.
- Geez, I thought Joe said this position paid well
- Wait, are you hiring a ClearCase admin or some random code jockey?
- You know what they say, you get what you pay for...
- Why am I being compared to a senior engineer?
- The other guy is getting more money, so I know you can do better!

Ah heck, we'll see how this one goes. Ebay is the only company in the world that has rejected me twice, so we'll see if third time's the charm.

Life changes

I was talking to Eric over coffee earlier today.

A little background for those of you who don't know Eric. He is a student of the same disciplines which I am currently digging into (with great relish, I may add). Those of you who've met Eric will know that he's about 40 years old and a rather calm/sedate alternative to my crazy hyper self.

Anyway, as I was saying, we were chatting.

We both came to the conclusion that our lives have changed for the better quite visibly over the last few months just through the power of positive reinforcement and the fact that we are actively seeking out ways to better ourselves.

We agreed that change had to come from inside. It has to be internally motivated. You cannot really want to change just to please someone else, and reasonably expect to succeed. The core motivation has to be that you want to change because you genuinely believe that it will make you a better person.

I notice it in the way I walk and the way I talk. I look so much more confident when I am out in public. I'm trying out new crazy things that I never thought I'd do. OK, my recent haircut wasn't my best experiment, but hey, I'll never know until I try it out!

Oh, along the lines of positive reinforcement... We chatted a little about the power of limiting beliefs. So briefly speaking, all of us have this little part of our brain that tells us that we cannot do something. It's that part of you that says you're not a good public speaker, or that you are afraid of speaking your mind, or that you dare not approach a pretty girl. Well, guess what? If you just force yourself to do JUST DO IT (thanks Nike!) you often find that contrary to what you think, the actual experience is nowhere as painful as your imagination makes it out to be. And if you draw on the positive aspects of that experiment, you will gradually gradually find that your limiting belief is... gone...

On a totally unrelated note, I met this guy today, Brian. Brian is a certified handwriting expert. He had me write down a short paragraph and from there, figured out a lot of things pretty accurately about me - that I am persistent (I'd call it stubborn), am very imaginative (true), have moderate self esteem (true to some degree), am talkative (usually true), don't reveal my inner self easily (very true) and am not really into sports (more false than not). Overall, I was pretty darn impressed.

Farewell Saturday

So Bruce had his farewell thingy on Saturday at the Hilton.

I had to buy piping for my sprinkler system soI was late getting to the movie. Pat got there earlier but wasted most of the extra time waiting in line at In'N'OUt. Hunger makes you do weird things like waiting for food even though the line is longer than most funeral processions. Now what in the world made me think of funerals?!

Anyway, we caught r & Mrs Smith. Nice movie! The plot is so-so, the action is quite unbelievable, but the chemistry between Brad and Angelina (my gal!!!!!) is great. Definitely an enjoyable flick. I'll probably get it when it comes out on DVD.

Speaking of DVDs, Hitch will be out on 6/14. That's a good one to have.

So after the movie, we headed back to the hotel, hung out a little, then went to Bennigan's for food. There were maybe 20 people there for dinner, but most of them didn't go back to the hotel for after dinner drinks. I've ever been really comfortable with that group since I find them a little too young, but anyway...

Pat and I get a little bored, so we head out to V Bar. Pat (jackass) is wearing tennis shoes, so Robert (doorman/bouncer) denies him entry. Bummer. Luckily, Pat has this pair of casual shoes in his car. I persuade him to try it, and Robert gives the green light. Actually, I like that pair of shoes Pat had. I'd consider stealing them but Pat wears a size 13 and I'm a 10.

V Bar is crazy. I don't mean packed. I mean just plain weird. We haven't been in V Bar for 10 seconds when some crazy chick asks me if I'm chinese (duh!) and pretty much hits on me for my phone number, business card etc. I give her all sorts of crap - I'm married, unemployed etc, but SHE DOESN'T GIVE UP. Later, I start telling her that I'm married but I play around, and oh, I only like girls with big boobs and who are good kissers. I offer to test her kissing skills, and for some reason she gets weirded out and starts avoiding me the rest of the night. Hmm... Go figure!

Some nights, I just love the way I screw around with people. This is one of those nights.

Then there's this weird creepy looking chinese dude who's following Pat and me arond like some kinda fobby shark. He kinda just drifts around us, doesn't talk to us, just drifts. Eventually Pat makes the mistake of establishing eye contact with him and gets sucked into a conversation. Luckily, he ejects quickly and for the rest of the evening Creepy Asian Dude leaves us alone.

Slighty past midnight, Pat leaves for home and I head back to Bruce's party.

THe part is strangely subdued when I get there. No noise. Apparently hotel management warned them to keep the noise level down (aka STFU). And there was some drama that I missed, but I won't go into that here. Bruce busted his knuckles, busted his camera, but unfortunately didn't do any real damage to the jackass that probably deserved it. OK, I'm biased about his jackass-ness, but this is my blog, so I can damn well say whatever I want, right?

Not the most exciting night, but definitely one of the weirdest.